Table of Contents
Intimacy Deficiency Syndrome Disorder
Intimacy Disorder or Intimacy Deficiency Syndrome refers to a lack of intimacy in a person’s life. It can be direct, ie absence of a close romantic partner. Intimacy disorder can also be indirect. That is, there is a partner, but the individual is unable to connect with the partner to a high degree of emotions.
Intimacy regulates several critical biological and mental health functionalities in us, and is a critical factor in metabolic and mental health. An intimate deficiency disorder and syndrome leads to mental health impairments, and metabolic disorders. Infact intimacy deficiency is one of the key rootcause behind several metabolic and mental health disorders.
Though, intimacy is the way of functioning any relationship, in this article, our primary focus is on Intimate Romantic Relationship between individuals from two different genders.
In this article, we will understand:-
- What is intimacy?
- What important role does intimacy play, and how?
- Why intimacy is decreasing?
- We will provide you clinically validated free online self-assessment questionnaire based instrument to measure your intimacy.
- Then we will provide your a simple actionable step to improve your own intimacy.
Intimacy
Intimacy is simply close friendship and familiarity as per the English dictionary definition. However, when it comes to intimacy between a man and a woman, between a couple, the definition gets much more elaborated and deep. Taking the familiarity part of the definition, intimacy between the couple is the depth by which one knows and understands the other.
Intimacy is when two individuals are separated with healthy boundaries.It is when two highly functional mind and bodies can collaborate in a task, and derive satisfaction out of performing the task. It is when two individuals understand each other to such a depth that one doesn’t feel being alone. One feels being needed. One feels there is someone who is always there for you. Intimacy is when two bodies become one through Physical and Sexual ways, such that sex doesn’t appear as a task, but rather an eternal connection.
We do not have everything in life. Then why lack of intimacy is being referred inline with a medical term like metabolic disorder, or metabolic syndrome?
Understanding Intimacy From Disorder and Syndrome
A system is a structured complex process involving multiple organs, where each organ plays important definitive roles, such that together they carry out an important functionality. For examp[le a metabolic system is one where liver, stomach, kidney, pancreas, gall-bladder, intestine carry out the process of energy management for the body.
A metabolic disorder is when the order in which operations are to be performed by the organs is disturbed. A syndrome is when the organs try to balance this disorder in their own way, and face organ specific problems.
Just like a metabolic system, in Intimacy two bioorganisms, you and your partner function independently, and yet collaboratively, carry out several important tasks independently, and many together to accomplish journey of life. In the process, intimacy as a system takes care of your emotion, cognition, social belongings, acceptance, aspiration, physical, intellectual needs.
Just as there is no organ called metabolism, rather this is a complete system in itself, there is no physical entity called intimacy. This is more of an abstract architecture of how two individuals come together and connects theier various dimensions to reach an oneness.
Intimacy as a System
Intimacy plays an important role as a system. Because intimacy is essentially closeness between two individuals at various dimensions, good level of intimacy means that the two individuals are sharing the worldview at different levels. Such a depth serve following purposes:-
- Understanding the world better, and thus improve cognition. This improves the neuroplasticity in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. This is also our consciousness section. Hence intimacy improves consciousness.
- Because prefrontal cortex drives our aspiration and satisfaction, intimacy provides us with satisfaction of life. Without this satisfaction, we become pleasure dependent. Pleasure is a midbrain(medulla) phenomenon which is dopamine heavy zone. Therefore lack of intimacy increase the need for dopamine.
- Dopamine is addictive hormone. Thus intimacy keeps our addiction away. Without Intimacy, our behavior becomes much more reckless, substance abuse increase.
- Prefrontal cortex is full of Serotonin receptors. Hence increase of Intimacy increase Serotonin. Therefore Serotonin is also called Consciousness Hormone. When prefrontal cortex is bypassed, or is impaired, one faces mental health issues due to shrunk functional brain area. This is the reason, one of the most common family of drugs given to mental health patients is Selective Serotonin Receptive Inhibitors(SSRI). Therefore, intimacy helps in regulating our mental balance.
- Prefrontal cortex takes care of several cognitive functions, due to which, we humans are able to rationally proess many situations that appears to threat us, and able to respond, rather than reacting. When prefrontal cortex is not in used, many of the situations is directly handled by the Amygdala section of the brain, responsible for flight or fight reactions to any situation. Hence lack of intimacy makes us impulsive. Intimacy helps in impulse control.
- Whenever Amygdala is active, body is under stress, produces a lot of Cortisol, Adranaline, Epinephrine. This increases demand from cardiovascular system. Over a period of time, this upsets your gut health, and there is significant Anxiety. Sustained anxiety is one of the major reasons for Hypertension and other cardiometabolic diseases. Thus intimacy is an epitome of your heart health.
- Serotonin receptors inhibits Histamine, the aggressive immuno reactors. Lack of intimacy leads to over expression of histamine. This is number one reason for Autoimmune diseases like Hasimoto, as well as Allergy. Therefore intimacy optimize your immunity.
- More Serotonin, and Less dopamine is needed for Positive Psychology. Positive psychology is needed for achieving your goal, take on challenges, confidence, and several other key Psychological factors. Therefore good intimacy also ensure good positive psychology.
- When one person accept you, acknowledge you, adore you, admire you, you feel needed. This is a validation that you are needed in the world. This increase self-love. (Note:- Narcissism is self-obsession, not self-love). So, intimacy helps you accept yourself better, helps you to love yourself more. This results in improved love to others. You feel less insecure.
Type of Intimacy
For a relationship to work, various different intimacies are to be established:-
- Physical Intimacy
- Emotional Intimacy
- Cognitive Intimacy
- Aspirational Intimacy
- Social Intimacy
- Somatic Intimacy
- Systemic Intimacy
- Behavioural Intimacy
- Philosophical Intimacy
- Identity intimacy
- Ideological Intimacy
- Romantic Intimacy
- Communication Intimacy
to name a few.
Psychology(Functioning of Mind)
Our psychology is not a linear one-layer structure. We have various memories, experiences, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, aspirations, pre-conceived notions, fear, apprehensions, likings, strength, weaknesses, trauma, and desires, intertwined inside our brain. What we present to the world is a nice version of ourselves, that is more acceptable. This version is a facade, a persona, created to present an image of ours, that makes us look good by amplifying our brighter side, and masking the dark part of our psychology.
Familiarity based Intimacy
Familiarity is not merely knowing someone’s image, that is just on the surface. It is about knowing the person to the last layer, going through the uncomfortable dark of the person’s psychology. There are two parts to the familiarity part of the intimacy:
a) A partner must open layer after layer of the psychology for the other partner to travel and explore.
b) The other partner has to be interested to travel down the dark psychology and understand.
The problem is that the partners come closer by liking each other’s images, which is just a two-dimensional representation of the person. It is just the tip of the iceberg, 90% of the iceberg is deeply embedded into the brain.
Challenges in Intimacy
It needs immense trust from a partner, and immense patience from the other, to let the exploration, and to take up the exploration. Trust because the dark parts can be used against you, because, after knowing the dark, one may not like you anymore. Fear, apprehension, and other negative parts of your psychology would prevent you from letting your mind open. The other partner may on the other hand feel, what is the point of exploration? What am I going to do with the knowledge?
Lack of Intimacy
So, it is quite evident that exploration, learning, and calibrating with the partner is a lifetime of work. It is a never-ending endeavor. Unless you travel each of the levels, you are dealing only at the surface level, whereas the whole dynamic is actually controlled by the underneath deep mind.
Today, a man and a woman are living in the surface image world. This is a bubble, a frame that both create. This is not reality. That is exactly the reason why relationships are falling apart, shattering, and breaking apart.
You are more interested in your image, and so is your partner. The drive to go deep into the other person is minimum. We are a self-centric limited image.
Intimacy Disorder and Intimacy Deficiency Syndrome
Intimacy deficiency is, therefore, the lack of familiarity between two partners living together as a couple. It is quite obvious that if you are not familiar with the other person, you can’t be friendly either. Therefore intimacy deficiency syndrome is a psychological state in a relationship where you do not feel connected to the other partner at the mental, physical, emotional, aspirational, and other levels.
Because our hormones are driven by our emotional state, IDS leads to an immense distortion in not only one’s psychology but also the hormonal signature. Because hormones have a profound effect on metabolism, IDS leads to metabolic syndrome. Therefore it not only affects the relationship but the overall mind and body homeostasis of both individuals.
10-Dimensional Self-Course on How to Improve Your Intimacy
- Self-Acceptance:- Accept your I) gender, II) individuality, III) culture, IV) mothertongue, V) nationality, VI) society, VII) ethnicity, VIII) race, IX) Economic Background X)Family. They was you accept is note down all the above 10 components, and find ten great things that would make you proud of that belonging. For example 10 things that makes you proud as a woman.
- Body Image:- Your self-acceptance starts with accepting your body. You may have physical shortcomings. You may be short/too tall. You may have obese body style, you may be too thin. You might have lost your hair. You may have other disabilities. But you also have many other great things that other people may not have. Find our 10 great advantages about yourself that others don’t have.
- Body Care:- Irrespective of your age, gender, race, responsibilities, you need to get in shape. Take the first step towards getting fitter and healthier. This is not for one day, you are promising yourself to look after your body for the rest of the life. Take the first step today. Go for a long walk. Gift time to yourself everyday for this walk. You will start feeling good about yourself. Write down 10 steps that you are going to follow to take care of your body for the rest of the life.It may just be timely sleep, timely food. But, you must write these 10 things you are going to do for yourself.
- Self-Need:- Write down 10 things you need in your life to become happy. Be very specific about your needs. Put a quantitative numbers against the need. For example, I will be happy, if I get a job that pays me $50,000 a year.
- Identify Happy Moments:- Write down 10 moments from your memory, when you were really happy. These are the moments which you may still see afresh when you close your eyes.
- Trigger Points:- Identify 10 moments in your life when people betrayed you, you felt hurt, cheated, sad, devastated.
- Repeated Tasks and Hobbies:- Write down 5 things you are going to do daily for yourself, without any compromise. It may be making tea for yourself, cleaning your utensils. Just write the 10 things that you feel you have been doing anyways and will continue to do. Write 5 hobbies other than your profession, that makes you feel happy. It may be writing, reading, talking, anything. But it has to be a recreation. Pursue them daily.
- Rules:- Write down 10 rules for your life that you are never ever going to compromise, irrespective of the situation, person. These 10 rules would be the iron rules. It may be as simple as never leaving behind food in your plate, to always wakeup early to never take bribe. It can be anything.
- Dependency:- Write 10 things you are not good at, and you need someone to fill these gaps. You are giving your strength to partner, and getting dependent on the partner where you are weak.
- Promise:- You are going to make a promise to yourself, that you are going to follow these 10-Dimensional Self-course for ten months. You are going to make a task list and tick daily completion.
Why 10?
Understand, if you lag intimacy, then you lag self-discipline. You are already impulsive and dopamine driven. Change for you is hard. Even if you start something new, you will go back to previous state in no time. This will frustrate you. The objective is to change your Brain’s model from Amygdala based impulsive brain to Prefrontal cortex based conscious brain. From externally focussed person to internally focussed person. Because of these, you have to have multiple options. Even if some falls, you will still have enough pointers to follow.
Lack of intimacy is a hallmark of self-rejection. This self-course will save you from receiving advice from others. You will be self-driven. You and only you will be responsible for your intimacy. You will not blame others, but hold yourself responsible for gifting yourself intimacy.
Love is always self directed. The moment you start loving yourself more, you will not be self-obsessed. You will experience love. Your partner will experience this love too, due to shared emotional, and mental space. Once you achieve success to a degree, help your partner also to takeup the self-course and regulate.
Odds Are Staked Against Your Success
Irrespective of how you feel about your loneliness and intimacy disorder, and how much you want to take control, odds are against you. You may falter right at the first step of writing itself. When you keep your dairy aside, because you couldn’t find ten moments, or hobbies of your life, you will still be aware that you don’t have it in you to be intimate with someone. One Dysfunctional organ in the metabolic system can give you metabolic disorder. Same way, one amongst two organisms if is dysfunctional, then intimacy is not possible.
If you realize that you don’t have the ability to work hard towards intimacy, towards self-regulation, towards self-awareness, towards self-acceptance, then you will at least know that you have a disorder that is acute, and not chronic. You are dysfunctional beyond damage.
Conclusion
Today women aspire to become the man they want to marry, and men try hard to act like the woman they want to live life with.
This image building and image consciousness has led to a lost notion of intimacy. We don’t accept our identity, therefore is no question of accepting the identity of the other partner. We want a collapsed boundary, and a combined frame where the images are intact, and the images appear perfect, larger than life.
Intimacy is the integration, exploration, isolation, of two strong identities, where the images are collapsed. There is nothing beyond an image, no awareness of the boundaries of the identity, and hence there is no intimacy.
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