Why does Your Narcissist Husband Devalue You Even When You Comply, Admire and Adore Him?

Background

Many partners, the wife of a narcissist in particular often wonder, “what else can I do”? Why even after dedicating my entire life, going away from all my relationships, squeezing my energy and emotions, the narcissist isn’t happy with me? Why my narcissistic husband doesn’t love me? Would he ever change? Would he ever love me? Have I also become a narcissist? Why can’t I connect to myself? Why does my partner devalue me even after doing everything that he wants me to do? In the beginning, he gave me all the attention, and now as if I don’t exist to my husband. I saw a child in him, I mothered him, and yet why did he change? Why is he punishing his “mother”?

While working with Lyfas, I have been doing extensive research on the Biochemistry, Physiology, Endocrinology, and Neurochemistry aspects of psychology, to try to define several behaviors and traits with psychological disorders using physiopathological pathways. Here are some points from my research, that may explain the “why” part of this classic narration of yours.

Physiology

1. Narcissists are found to have an extremely active HPA(Hypothalamus Pituitary Adrenaline) axis.
2. HPA axis is activated in the fight-or-flight response, which is triggered by the Amygdala part of the brain, which is responsible for the assessment of fear and threat.
3. Hence a Narcissist, by Biology, perceives to be under threat all the time.

Why Narcissists Are So Insecure and Feel Threatened?

4. Our sensory data is processed by the Hippocampus of the brain, which stores information first in a temporary memory, and then in the Cerebellum.
5. Every memory “bit”, in the brain is stored with:-
   a. Sensory data
   b. Cognitive explanation of the data.
   c. Hormonal snapshot, that defines feelings,
   along with others.
6. Data stored in the temporary memory is analyzed for any threats by Hippocampus by searching the signatures in Cerebellum memory. If the emotional signature is negative, then the data is perceived as fear and is given immediately to Amygdala to react(not to the prefrontal cortex to respond).
7. Because narcissists have high HPA activation, it is then understood that a lot of memory in the Cerebellum is encoded with negative emotions for Narcissists, more than normal individuals.

Why a Narcissist Husband has so Many Negative Emotions in His Memory?

8. The cerebellum starts storing memory as early as from the womb itself. In early storage, it encodes the hormonal state of the mother. If the mother is producing too many negative hormones, for example:- Low serotonin, and more epinephrine, then the developing brain has those signatures.
9. After birth, a narcissist’s brain searches for the signature that it had in the Cerebellum. An excessive pampering mother provides happiness, against the sad negative signatures, creating cognitive dissonance.
   An absent mother reinforces negative emotions, creating an emotional void.

Effect of Cognitive Dissonance and Grandiosity

10. Because Serotonin, the 5-HT hormone is needed for Consciousness, and connecting the pre-frontal cortex, and both Cognitive dissonance and Emotional void inhibit Serotonin production, the Narcissist brain can’t connect to the Frontal Lobe.
11. To overcome this brain impairment, the brain connects more Neurons in the Occipital Lobe, the back of the head, closer to Cerebellum.
12. Occipital Lobe does visual processing, including imagination. Therefore, the narcissist becomes extremely imaginary from childhood and creates vivid characters of life events and experiences.
13. As there is no difference in the hormonal signature in visual imagination, and actual visual data perceived by eyes, the narcissist develops imaginary memory bits with happiness, through grandiose imagination.
14. Now the brain can experience positive emotions by recalling the grandiose bits. This releases dopamine, the pleasure hormone, which also ensures Neuroplasticity.

The Threat Perception of a Narcissist Husband

15. Because the Narcissist thinks from the back of the brain, unlike a normal person who thinks from the front of the brain, and because Occipital Lobe is driven more by the subconscious, the Narcissist’s most thinking and creation of grandiose positive emotional visuals are all subconscious.
16. Dopamine is a pleasure hormone. So, to create dopamine, Narcissist creates visuals of pleasure, in contrast to his actual memory, which is Painful. So, in most of the visuals, he has to give out this pain to the characters to get pleasure, produce dopamine, and keep the brain active.
17. Any real experience where he is unable to give the pain to the characters(which he gives pain in imagination), creates a contradictory emotional signature. Dopamine stops. Parts of the brain are disconnected.
    As, Stress=Force/Area, reduced brain area increases stress, picked up by Amygdala.

Why Do Narcissist Husbands Turn Their Partner into Mothers?

18. HPA activation by Amygdala activates the sympathetic nervous system of the autonomic nervous system, releasing more epinephrine, and shutting the parasympathetic nervous system.
19. In the parasympathetic nervous system, the vagal tone is needed for Digestion, Sleep, and Reproduction. So the narcissist has a low erection due to low PNS.
20. He has to visualize a sexual situation to activate PNS, to have an erection. Often these visuals are where he gives pain. Hence, he uses the partner as a mere masturbation object. In reality, he has no hardness.
21. Because he has no hardness while touching his partner, he again created a visual that the partner is like a mother, to mask his deficiency. Hence he covers up his dissonance. Hence partner becomes the mother.

Why Does Your Narcissist Husband Hate His “Motherly” Partner?

22. But he wants to be manly, so he has to have sex with the partner in the visuals, along with inflicting pain. But, he must not have sex with his partner as his partner in his mother.
23. Now the narcissist induces cognitive dissonance right in his imaginary memory. Over a period of time the main processing, that is the Occipital Lobe, becomes a confusion matrix, shunting his dopamine supply.
24. Hence irrespective of how you behave with the narcissist, he starts encountering sympathetic dominance even in the back of the brain. This leads to Anxiety, further releasing Epinephrine, and then increasing Testosterone.
25. Parasympathetic is managed by the hormone Estrogen, which is the dominant female reproductive hormone. As testosterone increases, Estrogen further depletes. Because his partner’s emotional signature is Estrogen drove, which he no more has, he can’t create any real experience with the partner, no matter what you do.

Why does the Narcissist Devalue the Partner?

26. Reduced PNS, Estrogen, and Dopamine, lead to insomnia, Tachycardia, Erratic heart rate, and hence Hypertension, insulin resistance, and several other pathologies. The body now falls apart.
27. If he dumps you then he won’t have to deal with this cognitive dissonance in his visuals. So he starts devaluing you. By devaluing, he makes it possible to inflict pain on you, even if you were motherly. Now he assumes the ultimate grandiose role of God, who is punishing you the sinner.

Why You Become Hateful?

28. Same as the narcissist, your frontal lobe picks up several dissonances over time, altering your biochemistry, and lowering your Serotonin and Dopamine.

ROLE EXCHANGE:-

29. Hence a prolonged relationship with a narcissist is his mortification and your transformation into a narcissist due to the dominant narcissist hormonal signature in your memory.
30. Now you are more visual, more dominant, more punishing like his mother. And he becomes the child. That submissiveness starts creating Estrogen in him, depleting from you. And you gain more testosterone, depleting from him.
31. Both of you are now in a rotational Abuse abuser relationship, way away from reality.

How Does Both of Your Future Health Get Affected?

32. Even if you both go away from each other, your cerebellum’s memory bits have all hormonal signatures of each other. So, both of you in reality have engulfed each other. It needs super effort, intellect, patience, and self-resilience, to rewire your brain. At times, over a decade. Thus, once a narcissist man and a normal/borderline woman get into a relationship, it’s brain damage for both. The longer the relationship, the more the damage.
33. Due to increased Testosterone, the Narcissist starts developing Prostrate enlargement, and prostate issues. Excessive cortisol and adrenaline lead to arterial stiffness and Hypertension. This leads to a high risk of stroke and heart attack.
34. Depletion of the Estrogen leads to dysbiosis in the female partner, subjecting her to digestive track issues, GRED, acidity, and due to lack of micronutrients, hair loss. Also, increased Testosterone causes menstrual irregularities, including PCOD. Increased Histamine leads to more Allergies and UTIs, and organ inflammation like Fibroid. Gut dysbiosis, coupled with Histamine over-expression leads to Autoimmune diseases such as Hashimoto’s Thyroid disorder and Osteopenia. Depletion of estrogen lowers female PNS, needing more calcium, thereby causing Jaw, teeth, shoulder, and backbone pain. Excess calcium in the blood elevates breast cancer.

Conclusion

The narcissist and the partner, therefore, clear the path of mortification of each other, mentally, emotionally, physically, and pathologically. Life is beautiful, and it is about living, not walking on eggshells, planning, complaining, ruminating. When your gut tells you for the first time to run, just run. You can save two lives.

Short Video on How Childhood Abuse Might Have Turned Your Husband into a Narcissist

Are You a Codependent Who Attracts Narcissists?

Many a time it so happens that you are probably the one with certain mental, emotional, psychological, and behavioral patterns who just attract narcissists. If you want to know the scale of your own codependency, then you can take our free clinically validated online test on Codependency.

Silver Lining

More muscle movement flexes brain muscles and helps rewire the brain faster. If you have come out of such a relationship, dedicate two years to the gym, two sessions, 2 hours each, and give away all carbs and glucose to supply less energy to the brain for ruminating. In my career, this is the only self-care method that has brought success to our patients. Very few actually can work for about a year for themselves, and hence recovery rate of narcissistic relationship survivors is merely 17% in our patients.

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Cite this Article

Rupam Das

Passionate, Accountable Student for Life