Table of Contents
A. Why IUFD is a trauma?
Even though the parents have not seen the baby, ultrasound, discussion about the baby, movement of the baby, dreams of the baby, and planning for the future create an unimaginably strong emotional bonding with the child.
And when the parents realize that the child will not be part of their life, the sheer emptiness collapses the core and the brain gets unstable.
B. Nature of IUFD trauma
IUFD trauma is a type of Bereavement Disorder, which is a complex set of emotional syndromes we have developed over the years to deal with a profound loss. It causes chronic stress, and the effects are the same as post-traumatic stress disorder.
C. How long it Takes to Come Out
1. Bereavement trauma takes about 12-18 months for acceptance.
2. PTSD takes 3 years to subsidize.
3. Recovery may take anything between 5-12 years.
D. Stages of Bereavement Disorder
i) Deny: The hospital is lying, the child must still be alive.
ii) Anger: Because ABC did XYZ to me/us, we lost the child.
iii) Revenge: I will take revenge against ABC for the loss.
iv) Sadness: The world and life appear meaningless and empty.
v) Guilt: I am not a good father/mother. I made a mistake, and the child is lost due to me.
vi) Shame: Avoid interaction, as people may ask what happened to your pregnancy?
vii) Worthlessness: Collapse of core, and self-worth.
Viii) Depression.
ix) Grief: This is the most powerful human emotion of loss, where one outburst tears from time to time.
x) Recurrence: Seeing things like cars or dolls, which the couple had talked about while discussing the child revoke the emptiness and it appears that you are reliving the news over and over again.
xi) Acceptance and reality
xii) Coping up and living with reality(behavioral changes).
xiii) Fear and Panic: Fear of more losses, and next pregnancy loss too.
E. Effect of PTSD
i) In mothers, it may cause serious emotional dysregulation, mood disorder, and withdrawal.
ii) Thyroid disorder
iii) Insomnia: Either nightmares or difficulty in sleeping in night.
iv) Fatigue: PTSD squeezes energy and at times even standing up will seem impossible.
v) Memory Loss
vi) Low blood pressure in the mother, and high blood pressure in the father.
vii) Loss of appetite and lost sense of hunger or food taste.
viii) PTSD is a hallmark of cardiovascular disease, with increased palpitation and AF.
ix) Central neuropathy (hallmark-> back pain).
Even after the next child is born, this trauma stays.
F. Trauma Induced by Indian Society
i) Don’t worry, soon you will be pregnant again. (Encouragement)
ii) Don’t be sad, pregnancy loss is common, see X also had it. (Comparision)
iii) You could have done X, I told you. (Blame+advise)
iv) Go out and have a change. (Advise)
v) Everyone comes with their lives. (Console)
vi) All was good, how it happened? (Question)
G. Guidelines: For the family and acquaintances
i) Avoid questions(such as how are you, why always sad, what happened, etc).
ii) Avoid Suggestions, and Advise(eliminate you should, you could, you must, etc while communicating with the parents).
iii) Any news, any talk that might trigger the parents.
iv) If there is another pregnancy in the acquaintance, that mother should not come to know about this till her baby becomes 3 months old.
v) No comparison, allegations, and discussion about the pregnancy.
vi) Don’t try to make them laugh. Just have a normal conversation.
vii) Avoid calls and messages. Visit personally if you should talk.
viii) PTSD has a ripple effect. This means the trauma spreads to all the known ones, whether you recognize it or not. Focus on your own healing. You may unknowingly pass on your own trauma to couples.
H. Guideline For couples
i) Talk through the emotions with each other, even hate and anger.
ii) Create boundaries, and prevent relatives from doing any of the above. Just say “Please change the topic”
iii) The father will be at high risk of cardiac arrest for 5 years, and the mother at a high risk of manic-depressive disorder even after the next child. So take good care of your health.
I. Here are some things that you must know and address.
1) Irrespective of what, a mother who lost her baby will blame her partner, her parents, and inlaws in her brain, and not get over this.
2) Father will stay in shock for decades to come.
3) The couples may react aggressively or with panic to even simple life situations.
4) Mothers may become overprotective of the next child.
5) If the couple already have children, the children too develop PTSD>
6) As couples, avoid telephonic interaction as much as possible(including messages).
7) Read books together, and share stories.
8) You don’t have to forget the pregnancy. You can still relive the memories. It may hurt you, but the brain will perceive that you did not deny its pain.
9) Keep a close eye on the partner. If the partner is not sleeping, try to make him/her sleep. It is okay to scold and quarrel, but do not become silent and consume your feelings. This single thing can destroy life.
10) If you have anger for your partner, say it, this is just feelings and will pass.
11) Force yourself against depression.
12) Stop parents and relatives from interfering. Accept your pain and work daily towards recovery, one step at a time.
